Where does it all start?
My first blog is taken from notes kept in my diary, from looking back at Dr appointments and from my very vivid recollection of a strong positive feeling. Those with BiPolar will know those strong positive feelings of heading in the right direction are like lighthouses in the distant beckoning you forward to safety. They are very hard to forget!
I thought 2016 was going to be an awesome year, new years eve 2015 I was rostered into a department I love. It was packing, I get to work in my own little corner for most of the day, my work in packing benefits the health of the people I care for, and it sooths my desire for order and perfection. What a way to end 2015...... I was in my element and the day was blissfully passing and ending a year of struggle and uncertainty that had plagued my brain. I was so sure that 2016 was going to be my year of success and happiness, I had worked with my psychologist, psychiatrist, and doctor to come to a place of acceptance of other people's imperfections and I had never felt better!
Four days later my positive mood was to be ripped out from underneath me with such ferocity it scared me, I thought I would lose my job, I felt isolated from my workmates and was paranoid beyond belief that I had done something so bad. Unfortunately I was left for nearly 10 days in limbo before this situation could be dealt with because the major player was back on holiday.
I am a perfectionist at my job, I take criticism extremely well and work to improve myself in my position rather then dwell on the criticism. Who am I to argue with the boss, you want me to improve in an area so that is what I will do!
I woke shaking every day before that "FORMAL" meeting, I had my support person lined up as suggested by management, and analysed every aspect of that day to try to figure out what I did wrong to trigger such a meeting but for the life of me I couldn't.
On the day of the meeting I discovered the reasons, via a complaint of a persons perceptions I was accused of five major breaches of our code of conduct, each accusation is a sackable offence yet I had no comeback because you can't argue about someones perceptions! With the help of my amazing support person and the Nurses Association I managed a reply that hopefully proved my innocence however as I have not had an official reply from my workplace I do not know if these accusatory perceptions have been placed in my permanent file or not and this is a constant concern 10 months on.
2016 was to be my year! 2016 was a year that all of my hard therapy was going to pay off, 2016 was going to be my year to be strong and take control on my thoughts however 2016 has actually turned out to be the most difficult year of my life. More difficult that post natal depression, more difficult than the year my son was diagnosed with ASD, more difficult than when my eldest moved into the middle of nowhere, more difficult then when I had a virus that made me unable to work for three years, and more difficult than the year I was finally diagnosed with BiPolar that changed my life forever.
August and September became pivotal for my mental health, I developed symptoms that led to a lumbar puncture and although I was given the all clear my neurologist told me in no uncertain terms to reduce my stress. He won't say it is "all in my mind" however those that know stress understand it can end up being "all in your mind".
I had several stressors to pick from that I could reduce. My son that needs me more than the typical teen due to ASD, my study to become a scientist that triggers anxiety every exam or assessment item, or my job where ever since the accusations at the beginning of the year have triggered a downward spiral into a place that immobilised my ability to thrive and grow and flourish into a better and stronger person.
I chose the most obvious stressor to reduce; my job! I am taking leave, either three months or up to a year, but whatever length of time I need to plan ahead both financially and emotionally. I chose gardening to help me because if I can grow half of my food I save half of my money. I have also found it incredibly therapeutic to get outside and transform a weed infested lawn into a beautifully unique garden that can feed my mind and my spirit.
August and September became pivotal for my mental health, I developed symptoms that led to a lumbar puncture and although I was given the all clear my neurologist told me in no uncertain terms to reduce my stress. He won't say it is "all in my mind" however those that know stress understand it can end up being "all in your mind".
I had several stressors to pick from that I could reduce. My son that needs me more than the typical teen due to ASD, my study to become a scientist that triggers anxiety every exam or assessment item, or my job where ever since the accusations at the beginning of the year have triggered a downward spiral into a place that immobilised my ability to thrive and grow and flourish into a better and stronger person.
I chose the most obvious stressor to reduce; my job! I am taking leave, either three months or up to a year, but whatever length of time I need to plan ahead both financially and emotionally. I chose gardening to help me because if I can grow half of my food I save half of my money. I have also found it incredibly therapeutic to get outside and transform a weed infested lawn into a beautifully unique garden that can feed my mind and my spirit.
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| Weed infested after ex-cyclone Oswald |
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| Lawn mowed right back to cut the weeds as low as possible! |
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| This is the septic corner that shows the weeds in full bloom! |
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